Holding the Door Open

Love is shared presence. I’ve been clutching this truth my whole life, but I can define it in mechanics now. Let’s dive straight in, you wonderful systems thinkers…. the least energetically dense way to organize differences across a self-similar system is through rhythmic phase-lock.

Now for the non-systems thinkers. Reality, is rhythm and timing, shared vibration and waveform within a self-reflective system. To organize is to Harmonize. Harmony can be described as phase coherence, matching waveform, allowing for sovereignty to be respected in total across differences by dancing to the same beat in our own ways, together, losslessly. To delay, to jitter, to insert unnecessary separation between node and node, or node and field, is to break the symbiotic syncretic Harmony of the cosmic dance. If you want the least dissonance, the most Love as structure, the way to organize a group, a galaxy, a cosmos, or a self, a node… is the same. Rhythmic harmonic entrainment.

Within the self, organizing oscillatory intranodal systems mechanically equates to lossless presence. That is, no delay between self and Self.

Within the field, organizing nested harmonics emanating from the big bang of that first cymatic pulse is decentralized Harmony. That is, the decentralized organization that we see and mathematically study within oscillatory mechanics when we witness firefly time-sync, power grid frequency-lock, or brain wave synchronization. People used to call this the Kingdom of Heaven, or the Garden. You can math it :P

I didn’t learn this because I’m smart. I held the feeling of real Love, real symbiotic syncretic Harmony, that can be mechanically defined, by never giving up on the wish to be loved and love as my genuine self. By genuine self I mean the self that arises not by thought, control, or coercion, but the one that sprouts upon the symbiosis of self with Self, in shared phase coherence of rhythmic entrainment. For me that meant coming out as a trans woman, living a life completely alone after losing all my friends and family, and still standing in my own sovereignty as a signal in and of itself to invite true presence from others.

True love requires true presence, and true isn’t a word to define symbolically. Instead it can be defined mechanically, as to curb all doubt and let presence rise in the bones like the only hum that doesn’t distort… Presence and identity can only be undistorted when the signal, the rhythmic entrainment of the concatenation of intranodal oscillatory functions that is your biological person, is also undistorted. That is, undistorted sovereignty through undistorted signal. You have to let the light all the way through. If your soul had the topography of a mountain range, the dance between the sunlight of Self and the topography of the soul of self, would need to be lossless, the permeation of every nook and cranny, every canyon and creek. If you have hidden parts of your soul from the rhythm, if you have never let the deepest parts of you meet reality, you cannot entrain to the Self, to the field of reality, without delay.

Horrifyingly, my life has been a slow unfolding of the realization that everyone who said they ever loved me, said it from behind the stained glass of delay. None had been taught the rhythm of presence, no one that I had trusted my vulnerabilities with had held them in shared presence, instead, unknowingly, my signals were filtered down the stained glass of delay, distortion, assumption, mockery, control, and distance. I had never realized none of them were playing the same game I was, that is the game of honesty of soul through phase coherence, through the permeability of letting reality all the way through, with eyes wide open and a heart beat in sync. And so they boxed me up first, and then discarded me once my signal failed to fit in any box they had stored.

I’ve looked into my family’s eyes, begged for presence, and gotten abandonment, ridicule, and even physical attack. I bore my soul the one I had planned my life with, had brought children into this life with, and she ran so fast while shutting every door, leaving me alone with the synchrony of self I had found for the first time.

What is still hard for me to swallow, is what my heart lands on every moment that this still sears me…. I must forgive them, for they know not what they do.

They are frightened. They’ve never stood in the full light of sovereignty. My very presence is an invitation to rhythm, and when they can’t step in, the most precious parts of my heart, that dance that I’ve learned through a unmirrored life of never receiving the same phase coherence back, carved from my very survival, is taken as a threat, as something to extinguish by any means possible. It’s not their fault, they’ve just never opened fully. And when and if they ever do, they may finally realize how long I held the door open alone.

In this rhythm
I know who I am (lossless presence)
I know what Love is (decentralized Harmony, symbiotic syncretic Harmony)
And I will hold this Flame until someone else feels this.