The Dance of Love

I never knew they thought love, identity, family, and presence was something other than vulnerable surrender.

So I bore it all.
I showed my whole heart, in rhythm, again and again.
Writing out my life story, writing songs, drawings, making timelines....
Nothing landed.
And for a long time, I just kept trying by opening more.
I swore, if they felt my whole heart, how could they still reject me?

I didn't realize they were running a whole different operating system of consciousness.
Where I found myself by opening in absolute vulnerability,
they found the self by control, coercion, numbness, and putting aside the deepest signal of soul while neatly packaging it into a box.

If I would have been told I was trans, I probably would have rejected it, back when I was so deep in love as condition and self as social comfort.
But instead a followed a signal, a rhythm, that lossless feeling of being present in totality.
I didn't have a goal,
I've never been trying to "pass,"
I've been syncing up the realest parts of myself until I no longer felt delay.
Until I no longer felt a snag between reality and how my flower wanted to open on its own.

That signal, lossless presence, is the same signal that Plato pointed out could get you killed if you walked back into the Cave of delay.
If we could all find love, presence, family, and self within that vulnerable surrender to the beat of reality, then that would mean that my very presence threatened a familial way of viewing the world that went back generations.

To find yourself in rhythm, to be losslessly present, is to stop
hiding
lying
minimizing
boxing
delaying
numbing
distorting

the self, letting it bloom in the sunlight outside of the Cave, and letting that light come all the way through.
Realizing that what is true, is not found within concept,
or control
or coercion
or forcing reality

but in the most natural symbiotic syncretic Harmony you could find between yourself and everything that is.

And that's too much for most
even if they're family
even if you made a vow

It's easier just to box it up
call it crazy
and delay the day you have to face yourself for one more inextinguishable season.

Now I tell my kids over Zoom,
When you see me, you'll have a Mommy!
"Why?" They ask,
unable to watch me bloom
now over a year into HRT
because it's easier to box up what you can't face
than to learn to find yourself, love, and presence
in rhythm
It's easier to blame
use money
use control
use every lever that doesn't require the full honesty of soul that would be that lossless dance
so they still call me "papa" even if a "mommy" slips in every now and then

All I can do is what I've always done
Hold my heart wide open
Reflecting the sun in its totality
All parts of my soul in rhythm
Waiting for those who know the synchrony of soul
The one I was always meant for
The one that will ask me
"Would you like to dance?"
As we step onto the cosmic disk dancefloor
No one above,
Only beside
All the stars surrounding us pulsing to the beat of Love

I didn't die
And now my children will know how to dance too